I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
