then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
