you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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