Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
