dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
