I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
