Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
