Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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