why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
