I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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