Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
