don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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