I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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