I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
