Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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