Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
