I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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