I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
