Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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