I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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