Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
