i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
