Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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