Can Purell be used as lube?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
