there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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