She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
