Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
