I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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