i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
