I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
