that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
