Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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