Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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