i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
