im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
