Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
