Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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