I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
