Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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