If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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