girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
