Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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