omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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