i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
