he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
