I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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