i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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