Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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