i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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