Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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