I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
